Me and Big D: Depression

For so many years, I have battled countless troubles. Some of those were the ones they called "the blues". Sometimes, PMS, I think. Some when I had my babies. Post partum depression, as they say. But some were pretty serious. Like suicide serious.

Robin Williams' death reminded me of friends I knew who suffered the same thing. They all lost the battle and succumbed to depression.

I, too, had my own ghosts.

You may think I am pretty much the well-rounded girl.

Friends and family--the closest to me, know it's not what it seems.

When I was in grade school, I got harrassed. I didn't say a word. I got through it. I became "siga" and boyish, to make it seem like nothing. I thought it would end things. No one knew. I never told anyone. Not even my parents. I felt like I was melting inside. Like I'm so small. I felt gross.

In high school, it happened again. It was a different person, though. On my third year, a neighbor, who lived near our place once or twice made a pass on me. He was old. It was gross. He never got the chance, as I was pretty good at dodging... And I was strong for a girl my age (thanks COCC training!). I wanted to kill him so I won't have to deal with him again. Or myself, so I wouldn't have to deal with shit like that again from him, or any other person. I brushed it off by tiring myself with cadet training. I thank my officers for the distraction. Years later, the geezer died of a heart attack, I think. Lucky me. My nightmare was over. A hurdle had fallen--permanently. Yay me.

Fast forward: college. For some reason, I have always felt lost. I don't feel like belonging to any friend. Like everyone's been talking behind me. That no one's really my friend--especially the girls. I remember one time, there was a retreat somewhere outside the city. It was a school thing. Our psych professor had an activity where you would have to stick a piece of paper on your back, while everyone would write things about you that they would either like or hate. There I realized how catty people are when they know that they would speak (or write) to you anonymously. It struck me real bad. For months, it got bottled up inside of me. Knowing that I cannot trust the "friends" I knew, and then a huge fight with someone dear to me, just made me lose it. One summer, I tried to slit my wrist with a dull balisong. 

It was stupid. It was awful.

Still, my heart's pain, stung more than my wrist. People would ask how I got the wound. A basketball accident was my fake excuse.

Months after that, I started going to friends' homes. I would sometimes drink with them. None of them knew what I was going through. They thought I was just partying with them after a crazy exam. Or because it was someone's birthday and I felt like celebrating. My parents didn't know. I was passing college. Who would know that I needed help?

I felt down. I felt alone. I felt insignificant.

In times when I feel like shit, I would pierce my ear. Earring after earring, there was no more space. I pierced my tongue. I pierced my belly button. It dulled the pain inside for a bit. But somehow, it comes back. There, I found music. I had my band. It saved me for a while.

Sadly, work came. I had to leave my band. It was painful. Again, I felt alone. I felt like combusting inside. I was not amused with life. I was lonely.

Then I met Regie and we got married. No, it wasn't like a Rapunzel or Anna (Frozen) moment where we married a day or two after we first met. We became friends and he became my husband. Best moment of my life. He was there when I got sick. He was there when I felt alone. He was there when I needed someone to talk to.

And then, someone made a nasty rumor about me. The atheist became the mangkukulam. Someone dear to us died, and a helper told the person's family that the person died of kulam (hex); not thyroid cancer. It was a nightmare.

Things went all downhill from there. I almost left my husband to be alone. I wanted to escape them. I wanted to escape the world. I wanted to die.

My mother does not know that it was serious. She thought it was just out of sadness that I wanted to die. She was a tough woman. She thought I was THAT tough, like her. Like it's supposed to be something hereditary. I was not THAT strong.

My family--Regie's and mine, helped me through the ordeal. We cut our ties with those toxic people. Seriously, you'd rather believe an uneducated chismosang chimay over us? You'd risk years of knowing us, just because of that? Oh and really? An atheist mangkukulam. That's funny. Last time I checked, those people's belief in God and the underworld is stronger than The Mountain, The Hound or freaking Breanne of Tarth!

Those dumbass motherfuckers. They know nothing. Waaaaayyyy nothing. Like less-than-Jon Snow-nothing. I'd probably take this anger to my grave. Sorry, btw. Too much Game of Thrones.

Anyway, we thought we'd probably need change. We thought we'd try to escape them all. We moved to Canada. Things are great now. A change of pace. A change of place. For now, I feel... content.

I am not dead. Not yet. No, I don't want to die yet. My kids need me. My family needs me. But it is inevitable though.

Countless times, I wanted to run away. Leave this world, for all I care. But I did not. I could not. I fought the voices. I try to shrug them away.

I tried to listen to them sometimes. But I didn't. And I survived.

Sadly, most of us who are troubled don't.

Most of us don't have friends who know us or a family to look out for us. Some are too busy to notice. Some are too proud to admit.

We all had our ways of coping. I drank and smoked (just cigarettes). I had friends (at least some of them, I think). I had music and art. I had my family.

But some don't.

Of course we won't ask for help. We never do. We're waiting as we drown. Waiting for that hand to pull us out.

Regie was there. He listened. He pulled me out. I owe him my life.

Some, unfortunately, had no one. They perished. They died.

To those of you who are afraid to tell your family, or need the anonymity, you can call a hotline for help.

If you are in the Philippines, you may dial:

(632) 804-HOPE (4673)
0917-558-HOPE (4673)
0917-852-HOPE (4673)
2919 (toll-free number for GLOBE and TM subscribers)

You may also call the CRISIS LINE at:

(02) 893-7603
Globe 0917-8001123 / 0917-5067314
Sun 0922-8938944 / 0922-3468776 

If you are here in Canada, you may visit:

http://suicideprevention.ca/

http://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/

http://org.kidshelpphone.ca/en

http://suicide.org

There, you may find the number to call on your province or city.

You are NEVER alone.

Parents, talk to your children. Sometimes, just because you think they are normal, doesn't mean they are. DO NOT shun your kids away, just because you are busy and they are on your way. That would only make them feel more alone. They won't talk to you cos they know that you're too busy to talk.

Oh and this isn't just for teens, or adults. Depression also happens to kids.

You need to talk to them. And when you do talk to them, don't do a tough love shit on them. They went to you because they wanted someone to be there. They don't need you to tell them that, "You should know better", or "You're (you'll be) fine", or the all-time Pinoy fave, "Manahimik ka nga. Wag mo isipin yan. Para kang tanga!"

NO. NO. NO. Just NO.

They don't need a lecture. They need your love--then your lecture. I should know. I have been that kid.

It's bad enough as it is that they feel like that. You don't need to add fuel to their fire. They're sensitive and vulnerable at the moment. The worst thing you can do is to call them "mukhang tanga".

You need to be there. And not just physically be there. You have to BE there. You get me?

They don't need you to buy things, or shout at them, or feed them ice cream, or send them to a boot camp. They just need YOU to BE with them. You can get counselling books, if you want a guide.

And if they ask you to call someone for counselling, YOU DO THAT. Get them evaluated as they requested. Maybe it's because of your tough love that they'd rather speak to someone else. A professional one or someone who CAN speak to them and guide them.

As one line in Robin's movies go, "The loneliest people are the kindest, The saddest people smile the brightest. The most damaged people are the wisest. All because they do not wish to see anyone else suffer the way they do."

RIP Robin Williams. Thank you for the great childhood memories you have given me, from Flubber, to Dead Poets Society, to Good Morning, Vietnam, to Jumanji, to Aladdin, to Mrs. Doubtfire, Patch Adams, Peter Pan and Jack... The list just goes on and on and on... Thank you, Genie.

RIP to everyone who fought and lost the battle. And my heart goes to those who are still trying to fight it. Again, you are NEVER alone.

The Gift of the Mother Tongue

As you may have read last time, my family and I moved to Canada. It's been three months now since we've moved and everything's still a blur. Still looking for jobs and still learning the places here in Winnipeg. Luckily, the kids have already adjusted. It's summer here and we're enjoying the sun, anxious of the coming fall-winter weather that they say can be pretty dreadful.

Lately, my kids and I have been running errands and I have realized that there really are soooo many Filipinos here in Winnipeg. Unfortunately, there are just a few of them (mostly old people) who know the Filipino language. Some of them were born and raised here, while some migrated at a very young age, that they don't know how to speak the language. Some of them understand, while the others barely know any word in Filipino at all.

While going about our grocery run at the Superstore, most of the elderly and middle-aged Filipinos were very much amazed at how my 5-year-old was speaking in both English and Filipino languages. They asked me, on different occasions, how I was able to maintain our mother tongue, while she learns English. Renee, thinking it was her that the people were talking to, answered, "Sa bahay po, tsaka pag Filipino ang kausap ko sa labas, Filipino din po ang salita ko. Pag nag-i-English sila, English din po sagot ko. (At home, and when I speak with other Filipinos, I speak Filipino. If they'd speak to me in English, I'd answer them in English as well.)"

Such answer from the kid have piqued the people's interest and they were blown away by how my child spoke to them. That she even used "po" and "opo" during the conversation. They were happy that the language would not die on them. They told me that they are hoping that my child would grow up without losing the language. Fortunately, my daughter's school also encourages the children to speak their mother tongue--may it be Filipino, Chinese, Spanish, Vietnamese, etc.

An old lady at Walmart once asked me, "Pa'no yun, hindi sila marunong mag-Ingles? (So does this mean they don't know how to speak in English?"

I responded, "Marunong po sila pareho. Ayoko kasing lokohin sila sa Pilipinas pag dumating ang panahon na bibisita kami. (They know both languages. I don't want them to be abused by locals, when there would be a time that we'd be able to come back and visit the Philippines.)"

The lady was amused by my answer. She knew what I was talking about. We all know how it's like to be a foreigner in the Philippines. How people would immediately over-charge you, if they notice that you came from a foreign land. How they would automatically raise their prices if they know that you are not Pinoy, or if you don't speak their language.

On our way home, I was thinking about what the people said to me. I have learned back then that some migrants here never spoke to their children in Filipino, thinking that this would hinder their children's chance of learning the English language. Thinking that they might acquire a Filipino accent. Thinking that they will sound "bakya" by the time they migrate.

Leaving our homeland doesn't necessarily mean we'll
leave our language and culture behind too.

I then remembered a British family we met at Vancouver airport during our layover. How they were astounded by my child, speaking both languages. That Renee reminded them of the Filipino kids they met in Middle East, where they used to live as expats. They told me how most people there deprive their kids of the language. That the kids there weren't able to speak nor understand it.

In my case, I wanted my kids to learn as many language as they can. Aside from Filipino and English, I would very much want them to learn French as well, as it is Canada's second language. Who knows? Maybe they can learn other languages too, right?

I know learning both languages, and be fluent in both, is never far from impossible. Some Filipinos back home are fluent in both languages, so do some Filipinos here. I mean even in Tinseltown, some actors and actresses are bilingual/multi-lingual. Sasha Alexander (Rizzoli and Isles) speaks Italian and Serbian. TVD's Nina Dobrev knows Bulgarian and French, aside from English. That 70's Show alum Mila Kunis knows Russian. Natalie Portman (Thor; Black Swan) speaks Hebrew, French, Japanese, German and Spanish. Even our very own Reggie Lee (Grimm), who moved to the States at age five, knows both English and our mother tongue--Filipino. So why shouldn't I make my kids learn it too, right?

Look, I am not a patriot nor am I judging the Filipinos here. I am writing this, wondering what's going to happen to the Filipinos here in Canada in the future--or anywhere else in the world. Will they still be able to learn the language? With the ballooning number of Filipinos migrating, I sure hope the language won't die with the parents who brought them kids outside the motherland.

Confessions of a Migrant Queen...

It has been a whirlwind of emotions over the past four months. The chaos of packing, migrating, etc.--believe me, it's pretty exhausting.

We landed here in Canada last April and we're still trying to adjust to everything--from the weather, to the its traffic rules, to its people. I mean, who knew there are deer crossing the streets here IN THE CITY?

Caution: Deer Crossing

I didn't even know that there are specific guidelines for a kid's car seat. I mean, I know they should be in car seats, but I didn't know there are rules there too. In the Philippines, we'd just sit on a parent's lap and that's it! But here, safety comes first. You can't crowd a car into carrying more than it's capacity (e.g 5-seater loading 6 persons, 4-seater carrying 5 persons, etc.). And you have to make a full STOP when you see people about to cross the street. I mean, that's a rare thing in the Philippines. You know what I'm talking about, right? Patintero: Man vs. Car edition. Haha!

Buckle up!

So yea, speaking of adapting to the weather. We left Manila on a very humid 36-degree weather, landed in Toronto on a 12-degree weather, then hopped on a plane the next day and came to Winnipeg with a welcoming 7-degree weather! Imagine the shock we had with the climate! Left the super sunny (and very warm!) tropics and came to gloomy (but very friendly) Manitoba.

The obligatory wing shot.

Yup. There's still snow in April.

A view from my uncle's backyard.
Mother nature forgot the memo that it's already spring!

Just so you know, migrating isn't all butterflies and rainbows and snowman. It's hard work. Seriously. If you have a nice, opulent life in the Philippines, this is not for you. You won't have nannies here, nor maids and driver/s. You have to do everything here by yourself, or you have to pay. Hired help here costs waaaaay lot. If you must know, blue collar jobs here cost more than the usual clerk, unlike in Pinas. Oh and if you're a manager in your country, does not mean you're a manager here when you apply. You still need a "Canadian working experience" to get accepted in any job--both blue and white collar. Jobs here aren't easy to come by.

Hubby taking a photo of me taking a photo of him.

Regie in black and white... Adds a bit of drama, no?

One of my fave photos. I saw CMU from afar and thought
of taking a photo of it.

Anyway, while job hunting, we try to make the most of our time by checking out places with our family here. Do some paperwork--applying for government benefits and stuff. Meet old friends, making new ones. Reconnecting with long-lost relatives. We went to the park, checked out malls, and even check out community playgrounds (which they have on almost every street!). We also registered our eldest daughter to kindergarten.

Renee at Assiniboine Park's Nature Playground.

Allie on St. Vital Centre's indoor play area. (It was
rainy when we got there so we ended up indoors instead.)

Renee's going to school!
Her "Countdown to Kindergarten" orientation.

Jobs here are very hard to find, whether you're a graduate here or in any other country. It's a good thing that their government has programs to help the unemployed here. Seriously, if you become penny-less AND homeless here, something's wrong with you. Oh and it's a great thing that I have family here to guide me. My mother's sister and brother are here, having the latter as our sponsor. He has been very awesome. He's been very supportive of us since day one, and great cook too! I couldn't ask for more. Plus, he reminds me of my mom (they grew up together, born two years apart). It's like I never even left home. Haha!

By the way, for those of you domestic rockstars who wanted to move here, and know in your heart that this is the best thing for you and your family, you can check out www.canadavisa.com. Check which province suits you. See if you are eligible, and apply.

Best of luck--or should I say, bonne chance!

Steamed Moist Chocolate Cake - NO BAKE!

People love chocolates--cakes, cupcakes, truffles, lollies, donuts--you name it, people would go nuts over it.

Some few years ago, I was totally obsessed with Becky's Kitchen's moist chocolate cake. A friend introduced that devilish cake to me and it. was. DIVINE!!! Well, until I got fat. Hahaha!

Anyway, a couple of days back, I was watching Anna Olson making some pound cake, and I don't know why, but it reminded me of Becky's chocolate cake. Hashtag: THISISWHYIMFAT

Went overboard with the ganache though. Haha!

Since I have no oven at the moment, I thought I'd try making a steamed chocolate cake instead. It kind of reminded me of a water bathed cake. Anyway, I'll be sharing with you my version of it.

For this you will need:

For the chocolate cake:

180 g cooled melted butter (or light oil, which in my case, I used canola oil)

185 g caster sugar

1/2 cup fresh milk

2 eggs

110 g flour (about 1 cup)

60 g unsweetened cocoa powder

1/2 tsp baking powder

1/2 tsp baking soda

1/2 tsp vanilla extract

1/4 tsp salt

1/2 tbsp granulated coffee

For the chocolate-caramel ganache glaze:

1 packed cup brown sugar

1/2 cup half-and-half

4 tbsp butter

1 pinch salt

1 tbsp vanilla extract

1/2 cup mixture of bittersweet and milk chocolate

Procedure:

1. Heat up steamer before making the cake.

2. Line and grease a 9-inch pan.

3. This comes in two parts: (1) Mix milk, coffee, and sugar. Stir on low heat until sugar is dissolved. No need to boil. You only need to melt the sugar. Let the mixture cool to avoid the batter turning into a messy custard. (2) Sift the flour, cocoa powder, baking soda, baking powder, and salt into a large mixing bowl.

4. Once the coffee mixture is cooled, add the beaten eggs, vanilla and oil. Mix thoroughly.

5. Pour the mixture into the cocoa/flour and stir throughly.

6. Pour the batter into the lined pan. Fill until about half of the pan.

7. Place a cheesecloth over the steamer before covering it up with the lid and steam for about 30-45 minutes or until done. Use a toothpick to check if the cake is done.

8. Let it cool before decorating.

Now for the ganache...

1. I started off with making a caramel sauce first. To make this, combine sugar, half-and-half, salt and butter under low heat.

2. Cook while gently whisking it for about 5 minutes, until it thickens.

3. Add the vanilla. Let it cook for another minute until it thickens further. Take it off from heat and cool slightly.

4. Once cooled about lukewarm, add the chocolate.

7. Pour gently over chocolate cake.

So yea, that't about it. Pretty easy huh? Who needs an oven if you have a steamer?

Seeing double... One was eaten last night. The other, this afternoon.
I might have to run this week to burn all the calories. Hahaha!

I was able to make a couple of these last night and my husband, kids and I devoured an entire cake after dinner!

Happy eating. :)

Corned Beef Caldereta

I have been experimenting lately with canned goods. As you may have read last time, I have experimented with corned pork. This time, I was staring at the pantry and thought, why not "play" with corned beef this time?

So yea, there I was, slaving away in the kitchen for our experiment of a dinner. Hehe! I was pretty surprised that the kids--even my two-year-old loved it!

And yes, I'm sharing the recipe to you all. :)

Ingredients:

2 tbsp olive oil (or just the usual cooking oil, your choice)
4 cloves garlic, crushed
1 medium-sized onion, minced
2 tomatoes, diced
1 bell-pepper, diced
1 can 210g corned beef (preferably Highlands or Purefoods)
half can liver spread
1/4 cup water
1 small can of green peas, drained
1 large carrots, chopped
2 medium-sized potatoes, quartered
1/4 cup tbsp soy sauce
1 tbsp sesame oil
115g tomato paste
1/8 cup grated cheese
1 tsp cumin
2-3 pcs bay leaves
sugar, salt and pepper to taste

Dinner is served! :)

Instructions:

1. Sauté onion, garlic, tomatoes and bell pepper with cooking oil on a medium to high heat casserole.
2. Add in the corned beef.
3. Season with soy sauce and add the liver spread. Put in the bay leaves for aroma.
4. Pour in tomato sauce, peas, carrots and water. Stir and let it simmer.
5. Once the carrots are slightly tender, add in the potatoes.
6. Mix sesame oil, cumin, sugar, salt, pepper and cheese. The measurements of the spices are approximate. You could always adjust to your taste.
7. Once all veggies are done, remove from heat and transfer to serving dish. You don't want your veggies to turn soggy, yea?
8. Bon appetit!


There you have it. Enjoy! :)

Corned Pork... Adobo???

Helloooooo domestic rockstars!!!

How was your holiday celebration? Mine was a bit tiring, but nevertheless, amazing. Great people--family and friends, nice presents and awesome food... I just couldn't ask for more!

Anyway, speaking of food, I discovered something today out of boredom--CORNED PORK ADOBO!

I know it sounds a bit weird, but trust me, it's good! I was getting too tired of the usual corned beef/corned pork cooked with potatoes. Heck, I sometimes even use that for a quick spaghetti! So yea, I thought of mixing things up a bit. I was thinking of making a corned pork sinigang as I remembered having corned beef sinigang at Sentro. But then I thought, why not try something else? Then I remembered adobo flakes and so I thought, "why the hell not?!"

There it was, a gastronomic epiphany.

I followed my guts and quickly grabbed a head of garlic, some vinegar, salt and pepper.

I mixed the corned pork with the adobo ingredients and let it simmer, boil, until the adobo finally dries out like the adobo flakes at the local resto. Aaaahhh... Warm rice, sliced tomatoes and that. Awesome. Just. Plain. Awesome.

Anyway, since I was very happy with the result, I decided I'll share it with you guys so you might try them too!

Hello there, dinner! :)

All you need are the following:

1 can corned pork
1 teaspoon salt
5 cloves of garlic, crushed
1/3 cup of white vinegar

Procedure:

In a pan, mix the corned pork, salt, vinegar and garlic altogether. Place under low heat, mixing occasionally, until the adobo dries up and become flakes. Add more salt and vinegar if necessary.

Serve with warm rice and/or sliced tomatoes.

Adobo with rice and tomatoes... Yum!

The best part: my 4yo and 1yo daughters were sooo happy with the adobo that they had seconds! Even I did. We all know adobo without extra rice is cruelty to mankind, yea? Haha!

Anyway, I hope you all would try this soon. I promise you'll love it! :)

My Banana Caramel Cream Cheese Pie for Christmas

Happy holidays y'all! :)

It's our last holiday season here in the country before we leave and well, in this home, I'd rather go big or go home... or should I say, go home and get fat! Haha!

Santa would have loved this... If only he was real. Lol

I have been slaving for hours in the kitchen today making my Christmas cookies and pie for our noche buena. I made extras so I can bring pasalubong for tomorrow's get together with the whole fam. It's our last holiday season here in the Philippines before we leave for Canada next year. Might as well leave them happy and full, yea?

They say the ham is a Pinoy's "star" at their noche buena,
but not to my kids. This is theirs. Haha!

Aside from the usual Pinoy tradition of fiesta ham dinner, I thought of making our own dessert this time. A couple of days back, I dreamt of making pie and thought I'd make a banoffee pie. This morning, though, I thought of cream cheese as well. So I figured, I'll make a banana caramel cream cheese pie instead. It's like banoffee pie with cream cheese frosting, instead of whipped cream.

As my Christmas gift to you guys, I am sharing you the recipe. :)

Ingredients:

Pie crust:

250g graham crackers, crushed
100g butter, melted

Caramel sauce:

1 can condensed milk
150g brown sugar
150g butter
1/4 tsp salt

Cream cheese frosting recipe here.

Toppings and filling:
5 large bananas
Chocolate chips/buttons
Chocolate sprinkles (optional, topping)
Crushed nuts (optional, topping)
Chocolate and/or caramel drizzle (topping)

Procedure:

Caramel sauce:
1. Under low heat, melt butter and sugar in sauce pan.
2. Pour condensed milk and bring to a rapid boil, stirring constantly for about a minute or two.
3. Set aside until it has completely cooled down.

While the caramel sauce cools, you might as well prepare the crust.

I prefer mine with some chunks. Gives it a bit of crunch. :)

Pie crust:
1. Mix crushed grahams with melted butter.
2. Pour in a round pan.
3. Using a spoon, create the base of the pie crust first, then onto the sides to make the pie shell.

Prepare the cream cheese frosting afterwards.


Assembly:

1. After creating the pie crust/shell, place sliced bananas on the bottom layer of the pie.
2. Pour caramel over the bananas until about 2/3 of the pie. Make sure it has completely cooled down to avoid having a runny cream cheese frosting as well as to avoid melting the chocolate chips/buttons.
3. Place chocolate chips/buttons over caramel.
4. Pour cream cheese frosting on top, covering the rest of the pie.
5. Top with sprinkles, nuts*, bananas*, chocolate/caramel drizzle*. I made mine with just the sprinkles just to make people believe that I really made it. Haha!
6. Chill for about an hour before serving. Enjoy! :)

A step-by-step guide in photos.

Merry Christmas!!! :D